A Bad Goodbye by Clint Black and Wynonna Judd

This song was played at my Uncle Bill's funeral. It is a poignant message that we all need a reminder of from time to time.

As requested by my Uncle Bill, I read my "Love Letter" to him at his funeral. One of the eye openers I had this week was how many "Baby Girls" Uncle Bill had. I was grateful for the conversation he and I had after sharing this letter with him back in April. It was in this conversation where he shared with me "how hard he has tried to be there and to give his love to so many...that sometimes he felt like he was being untrue." I confided that I understood saying, "Now that I am a parent myself, I understand how you don't take your love from one and give it to another...but rather it just grows exponentially. I know my place in your heart is mine and mine alone. You can give love to all the others that you want to." As I shared this letter, several others came up to me informing me that I wasn't his only "Baby Girl" and then had the privilege of learning how many lives he had touched by being willing to love those who needed him most. I am grateful to be known as one of his "Baby Girls" XOXO

In This Life by Collin Raye

There were just a few of us gathered at the end of the viewing tonight. Aunt Julie asked if we could play this song as a tribute to Uncle Bill. As if this song isn't touching enough, Julie then knelt at his coffin and sang the words to him while she stroked his face and caressed his lips. I've always thought a lot about my Aunt Julie, but she has raised herself to a whole new level of respect with me through all of this. She has been strong, brave, loyal, and true throughout everything that has come her way in this marriage.

Time Out For Women

Time Out For Women
Back in February I received an advertisement in the mail for Time Out For Women coming to Cincinatti, OH. Sheri Dew, Jenny Oaks Baker, Hilary Weeks, Emily Watts, Wendy Watson Nelson, Kim Nelson, etc... would be coming. What a line-up!
I had been uplifted and edified at the Time Out For Women in the fall of 2006...so this definitely sounded just what the doctor would order. I immediately contacted my mom and suggested we go on this trip. She is the Relief Society President, therefore she organized a group of women from our ward to go.
We got a room at the Courtyard Marriott and shared a room with Karen Benner and her daughter Kristin Van Duren. We've known Karen and Kristin for almost 30 years, so we knew we would have a blast with them.
Complication~ Uncle Bill passed away the day before we were supposed to leave for our Girls Weekend. We decided, if ever I needed to go on this trip...it was definitely now.

Karen and Kristin laying on what ended up being our bed.

Me and my Momma!
(We joked about the genetics in the making going on here in these two pictures....definitely nuts that fell from their mother's trees :D)

See what I mean? Taking a ride on the luggage rack. We are a bunch of crazy girls :D

Our group walking to the Northern Kentucky Convention Center after eating supper at the worse McDonalds ever. The service was horrendous. Granted we know it is McDonalds and you can't expect much...but this was really bad!

Location for Time Out For Women

Suzanne Yingling made us all Time Out For Women corsages and encouraged us to wear pink, so that we would be easy to find in a crowd. She is so cute!

As Time Out For Women began on Friday evening, we were encouraged to ask ourselves, “What did I hear?, “What did I learn?, and What am I doing about it?” If we walked away with just one truth from this whole experience, then their endeavors were successful.

Kristin and Karen with Jenny Oaks Baker

Master of Music, Juilliard; former first violinist, National Symphony Orchestra; award-winning recording artist; albums include The Best of Jenny Oaks Baker, O Holy Night, and Silver Screen Serenade

Musical Performance

You don't need an entire symphony when you're listening to the violin being played by the highly acclaimed and accomplished Jenny Oaks Baker. From the fun to the serene, Jenny's repertoire of music is an impressive musical feast.

Jenny is the daughter of the twelve apostles Dallin H. Oaks. She told a funny story regarding when she met her future husband. She was passing out programs at a fireside, and she had spotted a guy that she thought was cute. She went and sat with him right before the program started, and he was showing off telling her how he knew who everyone was. He then pointed to his father on the stand and said, "That's my father. He has been a bishop several times and is now the Stake President." Jenny couldn't resist and said, "Yeah, well my father is a member of the Quorom of the Twelve Apostles." Jenny shared her inspirational stories of becoming a renowned musician and having the faith in her life to put her priorities where she thought they should be.

Her violin music was angelic. I was mesmerized just watching and listening to her play.

Sheri Dew and Wendy Watson Nelson are old friends. Sheri called Wendy up and together they told the story of Wendy following the spirit's promptings in her life, to be in the right place at the right time to meet her eventual husband. Russell M. Nelson (also of the Quorom of the Twelve Apostles)

Kristin and Karen with Wendy Watson Nelson

Wendy L. Watson Nelson holds a Ph.D. in family therapy and gerontology. Prior to her marriage to Elder Russell M. Nelson on April 6, 2006, Wendy had been a professor of marriage and family therapy for 25 years. She taught for 12 years at the University of Calgary in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and the last 13 years at Brigham Young University—teaching doctoral and master students. In 1999 and 2000, she chaired the BYU Women’s Conference. She is the author of several books, including Rock Solid Relationships, and several talks on CD, including Things Are Not Always As They Appear.

Wendy Nelson was the first to speak to us. She was single for many years (over 60) and she had an attitude throughout her life that shouted “don’t mess with me, the Lord loves me.” She always felt the Lord’s love for her. Then she asked us what have you changed your mind on lately? And What remains true? Many things in life are changing but some things will never change, like the plan of happiness for us. Quoted 1 Peter 5:8 describing the devil as a roaring lion, walking about, seeking someone to devour. As the forces around us increase in intensity, whatever spiritual strength was once sufficient will not be enough now. Howard W. Hunter said that a woman has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach and be the one who sets the examples in the family for righteous living. We made pre-mortal commitments before we came here - Things to do while I am on earth. To what did I pre-mortally agree to that Heavenly Father is honoring and is therefore not able to respond to my present request? So maybe we are asking to marry someone but Heavenly Father knows we haven’t met the ONE yet. Sister Nelson waited until she was in her 60s to meet and marry Elder Nelson. She also counseled that there is something to doing things with exactness. And we need to list those things we will never do - Not Even Once. 2^nd Timothy warns us that perilous times will come, and went on with v. 6 for of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. This sounds like those women who watch Soap Operas or read those gossip magazines. What am I willing to commit to the Lord, that from this moment on, I will never do, not even once? OR never do again? What am I will to commit to the Lord from this moment on that I will never miss an opportunity to do? 2 Nephi 32:3 talks about feasting on the Word of the Lord and He will tell you ALL things you should do. She challenged us to take a question to the scriptures daily for 30 days. Search for the answer. It won’t take you long. She promised the answer will come. We need to make a list and where we found the answer. Sister Nelson also said that Obedience accesses the real power of the Atonement.

Kristin, Karen and Mari with Sheri Dew

Mom sharing with Sheri a way one of Sheri's talks at a Singles Conference had affected her.

Maria and Sheri Dew

Sheri Dew is a native of Ulysses, Kansas, and a graduate of Brigham Young University. She has authored several books, including the biographies of two presidents of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Presidents Gordon B. Hinckley and Ezra Taft Benson. Her most recent books are God Wants a Powerful People and Saying It Like It Is. Sheri was named the president and CEO of Deseret Book Company in March 2002. She also serves as a member of both the BYU Marriott School of Management’s National Advisory Council and the President’s Leadership Council for BYU-Hawaii. In March 2003 the White House appointed her as a member of the U.S. Delegation to the Commission on the Status of Women and Girls at the United Nations.

Sister Sherry Dew quoted President Monson - the Lord knows who we are and where we are and what we need and what our mission is. We have the responsibility to serve as though the entire future of the church depended upon you or upon me. Sister Dew talked about the great war in heaven from Rev. 12 v. 13 says that he persecuted the woman because he knew he only had a short time. We know John was talking about the church but we could also take that to mean us women. Because the devil knows if he can get righteous women to turn away, he can win. The devil sends his “flood” (v. 15) of pornography and other filth. But also discouragement, despair, self-loathing. We fall prey to all of it. Elder D. Todd Christofferson said in the last conference, “We need strong Christians who can persevere against hardship, who can sustain hope through tragedy, who can lift others by their example and their compassion, and who can consistently overcome temptations. We need strong Christians who can make important things happen by their faith and who can defend the truth of Jesus Christ against moral relativism and militant atheism.” We are that people. Sister Dew reminded us that this is not our home. Sometimes we act as if we are going to stay here when we aren’t. We won’t. We can’t. D&C 121: 26-28 teaches that we receive knowledge through the Spirit. Satan hopes to confuse us about our identity, confuse us about the Atonement, and stop revelation. If he can do that, he can keep us from doing the work we have committed to do. She told us we need to teach who we are. D&C 138 talks about the noble and great ones. What does that have to do with me? Why, we were with them. We need to ask ourselves, “What has the Lord done for me?” Reflect and you will be amazed. There is power in the Atonement to help us with anything, whether we are lonely or in despair. We need to look in the scriptures for what He has promised to do for us. Then learn how to receive revelation. Ask the Lord to teach us - what does revelation feel like, and sound like? Learn to worship better and you will receive revelation better.

Sheri Dew and Mari Tribbet

Sheri signing Mari's book

Maria, Karen, Kristin and I with Hilary Weeks

Hilary Weeks grew up in a home filled with music. Born in Colorado, and raised in Alaska, she began playing the piano at age eight and wrote her first song at age 14. Her first recorded song, “He Hears Me,” was featured on the 1993 EFY album, and from there Hilary quickly became a favorite in the inspirational music industry. She has released seven solo albums, has been featured on numerous compilation albums, and has been the recipient of multiple awards from the Faith Centered Music Association. Her most recent albums include Hilary Weeks: The Collection and If I Only Had Today. She just published her first book, Believe in What You’re Doing, Believe in Who You Are. Hilary and her husband, Tim, reside in Lehi, Utah, with their four daughters.

She's funny and witty but has depth and substance as she shares her testimony of Jesus Christ through her songs. I was able to share with Hilary the inspiration her song "He'll Speak Peace" gave me at a difficult time during Jonathan and my separation. Often times when I felt I couldn't possibly hang on, I would play this song and find the strength to continue.

He'll Speak Peace

How do I walk through the darkness
and trust that I'll find Your hand?
Where do I look for the answers
so that somehow I will understand?

And when it feels like I am falling
When I've given the best I have
How will I know You're there?

When my heart aches, when my soul yearns
When the road seems far too long
How will I learn what you teach me
When I don't even know how I'll go on?

And when the sea of life if raging
Only You, Lord, can calm the waves
and help me know You're there.

There are times I that I can almost hear You
and it feels like You are right by my side
I need You there
to know You're there

When it feels like I am falling
When I've given the best I have
When the sea of my life is raging
Only You, Lord, can calm the waves
and help me know...
How will I know?
I need to know
You're there.

Kristin, Karen and Maria with Emily Watts
Emily Watts is a lover of words. A graduate of the University of Utah, she has been an editor for Deseret Book Company for more than thirty years, much of that time working from home part-time so she could devote most of her attention to her husband and their five children. She is now a senior editor at Deseret Book. She loves serving in the Church and has spent most of her adult life teaching in the various auxiliaries, but her favorite calling is as grandmother. Emily and her husband, Larry, live with their family in Taylorsville, Utah. She is the author of three inspirational books: Being the Mom; Take Two Chocolates and Call Me in the Morning; and Confessions of an Unbalanced Woman.

The fruits of motherhood are so agonizingly slow to ripen, it's hard to tell from day to day if the kids are going to "turn out right." Your child can be screaming her head off one moment and singing sweetly to her baby doll the next. (And no, that doesn't mean you've messed her up!) Emily has a message that assurance comes from knowing that Father in Heaven actually does trust us to raise His children. And He trusts us because He's with us every step of the way.

Emily Watts talked about Twister (my mom's favorite movie). She talked about how they tied themselves to the pipes that were sunk deep into the ground. Then when the twister came, they couldn’t be swept away. That is what we need to do with the Gospel. Sink ourselves into it so deep that we won’t ever be swept away. Heavenly Father loves our children more than we do. The Lord says we tie the knot and then we need to hold still so He can untie it. In Psalm 27:14 we are told to wait on the Lord … wait, I say, on the Lord. We didn’t get that knot in just a few moments. It may take Him some time to untie it for us. I think that is so we learn not to do that stupid thing again. If he untied it too quickly or easily, we would probably just get all knotted up again in no time. We are taught in 1 Chr. 5 some of the tribes of Israel got themselves messed up in a war. They are in the middle of a battle and they cried to God, and He was intreated of them; because they put their trust in Him. He always answers IF we trust in Him. Psalm 9:10 says they that know thy name will put their trust in thee, for thou, Lord, has not forsaken them that seek thee. We need to know His names but what are His names? We pledge to take His name upon us, some of which are Counselor, the Prince of Peace, the Creator, the Good Shepherd, the Redeemer, Teacher. Are we fulfilling that role in our lives? One of the fruits of parenting can be what we become as a person. What have we learned as parents?

Karen and Kristin with S. Michael Wilcox
S. Michael Wilcox is an instructor at the institute of religion adjacent to the University of Utah. A frequent speaker at Brigham Young University Education Week, Michael also conducts tours of the Holy Land, Church history sites, Europe, China, and Central America. He received a bachelor’s degree in English literature from Brigham Young University, a master’s in media from the University of Arizona, and his Ph.D. from the University of Colorado in educational philosophy. He is the author of House of Glory and When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered. Michael and his wife, Laura, are the parents of five children and live in Draper, Utah.

"Let us draw near..." is an invitation not just to gather together, but to gather to Him. As we come to know who Jesus Christ is, our ability and our desire to draw near to Him increase. Throughout scripture there is example after example of the personality of the Savior-a personality full of acceptance, assistance, sensitivity, and sustaining love. From the Old Testament to modern revelation, Michael helps introduce us to the Jesus we need to know.

Favorite statement from Michael: "Everything good that has every happened in my life has flowed from a woman."

S. Michael Wilcox is a teacher at BYU and a biblical expert. Brother Wilcox asked if our burdens are light, easy, or restful. The scriptures say they should be, right?
The woman who touched the hem of Christ’s garment so that she could be healed knew that this would traditionally make him unclean. They were not to be near anyone when they had an issue of blood. Think of the sorrow and desperation of this woman. No wonder she didn’t admit touching Him at first. Brother Wilcox also pointed out that another reason to repeat teachings - if you don’t catch it in the Bible, maybe you will in the Book of Mormon or in the D&C. Sometimes it is repeated 3 or more times in the same chapter (D&C 93:12 He received not of the fulness at the first; 13 He received not of the fulness at first; 14 because he received not of the fulness at the first; 16 He received a fulness of the glory of the Father.) We also see the importance of some of the acts of love given by Christ. Like when he appeared to Mary Magdelene on Easter. He had a lot of work to do and was on His way to report to the Father. But Mary was mourning even weeping. Jesus appeared to her so He could comfort her even though He had something very important to do. He stopped and took time to comfort. Everything He did was an example to us. In fact, the highest form of Worship is imitation.
"Look unto Me, Learn, Listen."
Brother Wilcox said the greatest discovery of life for men is that the woman you love - loves you in return. Equally great is the discovery that the God you love - loves you even More. Many women find themselves trying to do way too much. Brother Wilcox said that is because you are too lazy to decide what is really important. You are trying to do everything and therefore do none of them well.
Obedience is not perfection, obedience is trying.

(We had pictures of every one of the speakers...then mistakenly Kim's pic was deleted off of my camera :(
Kim Nelson, a graduate of Brigham Young University, has a master’s degree in counseling from Seattle Pacific University. He served a mission to the Southwest Indian Mission and is currently a counselor in the Bellevue Washington stake presidency. Kim is the president of Stillwater Connection, a consulting firm in Bellevue, Washington. He is the author of If God Loves Me, Why This? and Happily Forever After: A Practical Guide for LDS Couples Who Want to Improve, Grow, and Share An Eternal Relationship. He and his wife, Lois, have two daughters and three grandchildren.

Do you remember the first time you rode a bike without training wheels? How did it go? Did you fall once or twice? Did you have a few bruises to show it? Every life phase has a period of "training time" before we should expect to ride without falling. God, as the ultimate parent, seems to be more patient with our "training time" than we are. Kim teaches four truths that will help you put the falls and the bruises of life in a little better perspective as you see God's love in your experiences.

Kim, comedic in his presentation helped us to understand just how precious women are to our Heavenly Father and to the men who are honored to have her in their lives.

Kim Nelson talked about teaching children to ride a bike. We run right alongside them so if they start to fall, we are right there. God knows we are going to Fall. But He is the first one at the wreck. Each wreck we have is another chance to reconnect to the Lord. Brother Nelson asked a very poignant question, “If you saw a mother treating her daughter like you treat yourself, what kind of a mother would you think she is?” We are so hard on ourselves but we need to see ourselves as Heavenly Father sees us. Part of the reason we are parents is so we can understand the love we experience by Deity.
Do we stop loving our child just because they did something wrong, even something dreadfully wrong? Or do we rush to them and try to help them make it all better? God loves us as we are - not perfect.

He told about a student who got a B on his report card and feared to go home. When the parents found the child, they embraced him and took him home. We need to remember, just because we didn’t pass our class here on earth doesn’t mean we can’t come home.

Karen, Kris Belcher and Kristin
Kris could tell Karen and Kristin were much shorter than she is (she's 6 ft tall)...so she stooped down to their level right when I was taking the picture.
Kris Belcher was born and raised in northern California and was the fourth of six children. She earned her bachelor’s degree in therapeutic recreation from Brigham Young University and served as a missionary in the Kentucky Louisville Mission. When Kris isn’t cleaning up the house, attacking the piles of laundry, or taking care of her children, she loves to watch or read a Jane Austen movie or book. She’s always game for a good chicken chimichanga with guacamole, and loves to spend time with family and friends. Kris met her husband, James, through a mutual friend (although James claims they met when he called 1-900-BABE), and they were married in the Salt Lake Temple. They are the parents of two energetic boys and own a flower shop in Lehi, Utah.
Born with a rare form of eye cancer, Kris has spent most of her life blind in one eye. Recently, cancer returned, leaving her completely without sight. While her life circumstances might be unique, her story of healing doesn't have to be. Kris is blind, but she has experienced a healing-the kind of healing that comes through personal testimony of the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ. She shares how similar healing is available to all of us, regardless of our circumstances.
Kris Belcher concluded the conference. Yes, her name is a riot and she did a whole monologue on having belcher as her last name. She assured us he was worth it. "We have all heard that He won’t give you anything you can’t handle." She says "that is NOT true. He does it all the time. The truth is He won’t give us anything He can’t handle with us." D&C 122:9 Hold on thy way. Just hold on while He works with us. We are being fitted for another world. If we prayed away the hard parts, we wouldn’t be fit for the new world.

Our Time Out For Women Group
Back row: Maria Simons, Denise Dewey, Leslie Lake, Suzanne Yingling
Front row: Mari Tribbet, Carole Bennett, Karen Benner, Kristin Van Duren, Nancy Foltz, and Martha Pilbeam

A cool building right outside the Convention Center

A shot outside the Convention Center of Downtown Cincinatti, across the river

The bridges going across The Ohio River

I walked away from my Time Out For Women experience uplifted and edified. I felt renewed in who I am as a woman, the role I have to fulfill, and my Heavenly Father's unending love and care for me. It was the gift I needed...just when I needed it most.

Uncle Bill

A week ago, Julie called me to let me know that they were starting the Morphine and Ativan aspect of comfort care for Uncle Bill. His pain had started getting much worse and the time had come to become more proactive in keeping him comfortable. We discussed appropriate ways to medicate him, different things to expect, and I offered whenever she felt she needed me for any reason that I would be there.

Monday afternoon, I received a phone call from Eric informing me that the Hospice Nurse had just been by the house and didn't think that Bill would make it through the day. I gathered myself together, and hurried over to their place. On the way over, I called work to see the possibility of getting the night off. Our census was very low, so I was able to arrange for a HCD.

When I got to the house, it wasn't hard to assess that both Eric and Julie were absolutely exhausted. Bill had been very agitated and irritable during the weekend, giving them "a run for their money" and very little rest. I took Eric to get food for everyone and encouraged him to go in and get some sleep while I could be there to help Julie. There were others there, but Julie has a lot of trust in me and my experience in taking care of Comfort Care patients. I helped her find the courage to medicate Bill more regularly, thus decreasing in his agitation and the demand on her. I showed them better ways for boosting him, which would decrease the toll on their bodies. When I was there, it seemed like Julie could finally breathe again.

It didn't take me long to ascertain that Bill wasn't as close to death as they thought he was. Even though he was mostly sleeping. He was still interacting to some degree and trying to get out of bed when he needed to use the bathroom. He was having periods of apnea, but after listening to him for a while it became apparent that the apnea was more associated with his sleep apnea, caused by the sedation of the meds. There were still a few phases that he needed to go through yet. The question was, how fast would he go through these phases?

Julie wouldn't nap for me, but she did take a shower. She also attempted to get some sleep at night while I sat up and cared for Uncle Bill. I was able to stay until 4 am, at which time I ended up with a horrible migraine. I went and laid in her bed, but it didn't get any better. I knew it wouldn't be long before I was sick myself, so I headed for home where I could take my meds, sleep in my bed, and put my warm pack on my head. I managed to get home around 7:30 am....just in time to start dry heaving.

I was able to sleep the migraine away, and I went to work Tuesday night. I stopped by Bill and Julie's on my way home from work and Bill's breathing had changed substantially. It was much more shallow and more like what I would expect from someone who was nearing the end. Julie jumped in the shower since I was there. While she was in the shower, Uncle Bill really started getting agitated. The others were speculating that he was trying to put his arms behind his head like he would often times do when he sat in his chair, but it looked more like he was tired of being in the same position. We waited for Julie to come back in and we turned Uncle Bill on his right side. The relief was apparent and he settled down immediately.

I went home and got some sleep. I had a couple of visiting teaching appointments to attend to...and then called to check on how things were going. I returned to Bill and Julie's ready with the promise that I would stay as long as they needed me. (Julie and Eric both seemed much more comfortable and reassured whenever I was there).

As soon as I walked in the door, I could tell that Uncle Bill would probably be passing away that night. The big question became whether it would be before or after midnight? Julie had speculated that Uncle Bill was trying to hold on until their 23rd wedding anniversary which would be after midnight, on the 14th. I no sooner said "It would probably be after midnight" that his breathing began to become very labored and I began to think it might be sooner than I thought.

These last few days, everyone had commented on my ability to "keep it together" and not to cry. I just kept myself detached, in "nurse mode", and felt like I could handle anything. Julie, Eric, Cassy (Eric's girlfriend),Tracy (my cousin), Autumn (Bill's daughter), Ashley (another cousin), and I decided we should watch a video that Eric made for his dad for Christmas called "Remember When". Watching this video was all it took. The dam broke and the tears flowed and flowed and flowed. The concept of living in a world without my Uncle Bill began to overwhelm me. This was when my Aunt Julie knew the time was soon...me allowing my tears to come let her know, it wouldn't be long. I told Autumn to have Steve (her husband) come.

Julie knelt by Uncle Bill and talked to him softly, gently caressessing him, encouraging him to slow his breathing down, even breathing with him to show him the way. Once he started breathing with her, it didn't take him long to slow his breathing down again. Right before Steve came in, the song "Maria" by Johnny Mathis came on the tv/radio. When the first few notes began to play I was overcome with emotion. The last few days we had joked and speculated "what song would be playing when Uncle Bill passed away?" For this song to play at that very moment, felt like Uncle Bill's way of sending his love and thanks to me one more time before he passed away. A few minutes later, we all surrounded the bed and he passed away very peacefully. His last breath was taken at 11:56 pm on the 13th, but we had to wait for the Hospice Nurse to come and pronounce his Time of Death...which was at 12:55 am on May 14th. We never did pay attention to what song played when he actually died...but I will never forget hearing "Maria" played.

The hospice nurse called the funeral home, and they arrived within an hour. Bill and Julie had decided to use Walker Funeral Home. They were extraordinary....they handled every detail with absolute class, respect, and consideration. They made us feel like family. It was the little things that made such a huge impact on us...from the gentle way they handled Uncle Bill's body, to placing a quilt over him, and not covering his face until we were ready for them to.

As they took Uncle Bill away, I was sitting on the couch holding hands with Julie, and the sobbing began. Aunt Julie sat there and comforted me, when I should've been comforting her. But I knew she understood. She was well aware of my love for Bill and the great loss I too was experiencing. I have always liked my Aunt Julie and I know she has always liked me, but I think our respect and admiration for the other increased exponentially through this whole experience. I watched her devote herself to allowing Bill to have the kind of end of life experience that he desired. He wanted dignity in his passing, and she exhaustingly stayed by his side and handled his every need and desire to insure that would happen. Her love and devotion to him showed me the kind of person that I would want to be if I were ever to have to take the same kind of journey in my own life, heaven forbid.

We called everyone we felt had to know right then. Then we all sat there and looked at one another and wondered "Now what?" We had spent so much of our time and energy taking care of Uncle Bill, we didn't know what to do now? Slowly, but surely everyone began to leave. I was worried everything would hit Julie in the "quiet moments", so I decided to stay the night with her. Eric and Cassy headed downstairs. Julie slept on the love seat and I slept on the couch. We slept for about 3 1/2 hours and then we got up. Julie and I talked for quite a bit and discussed whatever she was feeling or concerning her at the time. It is important to me that she have that person she can say whatever "crazy" or "mean" thing she feels the need to say. She has been through so much, and feels so incredibly lost right now. I want her to know that she'll never have to do this alone. We'll surround her and help her find her way through all of the loss, grief, and pain.

In the meantime, even though I know that Uncle Bill has passed on. He doesn't feel very far away. I believe he is added to my list of Guardian Angels. He is still very aware of me and will continue to look out for his "Baby Girl".

Boys and Trees

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
Once there was a tree....
and she loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns
and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired,
he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree....
very much.
And the tree was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and
climb up my trunk and swing from my
branches and eat apples and play in my
shade and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play" said
the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I
have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in
the city. Then you will have money and
you will be happy."
And so the boy climbed up the
tree and gathered her apples
and carried them away.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time....
and the tree was sad.
And then one day the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children,
and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house ?"
" I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house,
but you may cut off
my branches and build a
house. Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off her branches
and carried them away
to build his house.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy
she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play,"
said the boy.
"I want a boat that will
take me far away from here.
Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk
and make a boat," said the tree.
"Then you can sail away...
and be happy."
And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy
... but not really.

And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy,"
said the tree," but I have nothing
left to give you -
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak
for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone,"
said the tree. " You
cannot swing on them - "
"I am too old to swing
on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone, " said the tree.
"You cannot climb - "
"I am too tired to climb" said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something....
but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump.
I am sorry...."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy.
"just a quiet place to sit and rest.
I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening
herself up as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting
Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.
And the tree was happy.

Luke's Family Birthday Dinner

Jeff was in charge of dessert this week at our Birthday Family Dinner.
We were celebrating Luke and Carly's birthdays.
The cupccakes were too warm to frost before leaving,
so he came up with make your own cupcakes.
The kids had lots of toppings to choose from to put on their cupcakes.
It was a big hit!

Uncle Jeff helping Luke make his birthday cupcake

Everything could use a little sprinkles :D

Luke loves to create things in the kitchen...so this was right up his alley.

Thanks Uncle Jeff!

PS-Carly requested that I not take her picture...out of respect to her, there are no pictures of her with her birthday cupcake. But she enjoyed hers equally as much...as did everyone :D

Three White Dresses

If we could always remember where we came from and our eternal potential...

11 Luke 11

Today is Luke's 11th birthday.

Whenever I encounter one of my children having a birthday, one of my first things I do after thinking "Can another year have possibly gone by?" is I will reminisce about the day they were born and the years I have had with them. Luke's birth was especially trying for me....I would even have to say his birth was my most difficult.

I was induced with all my kids. So for me
Pitocin = Hard, fast, painful contractions = Epidural.
My mom had our children for the weekend while I was having Luke, she brought them up to visit right before lunch time. She didn't stay long, and Jonathan walked her out to her car. He took his time coming back stopping at the gift shop and cafeteria...not realizing while he was gone, that my labor had kicked in. I called out for an epidural, but apparently they had a couple of deliveries going on at the time. So, there I sat all alone in my room breathing through hard contractions. Jonathan returned to the room about 45 minutes later, by then I was losing "it". The anesthesiologist hadn't come in yet, nor had my nurse. My frustration level exponentially increased after an hour went by without a word from anyone. I called out again and was told everyone was busy. The defiant creature that I am...I looked at Jonathan and said "I know how to get them in my room"...and proceeded to tear off all my belts and monitors. (*Note* I was not a nurse at this point) and was having great difficulty finding a comfortable position while being "tied down".

Within ten minutes...both my nurse and the anesthesiologist were in my room sitting me up for an epidural. I will admit, I did have some guilt when my poor nurse had to hunch underneath the bedside table and put my belts and monitors back on while the anesthesiologist prepped me for the epidural, but that didn't replace the abandonment I was feeling when they wouldn't come "help" me. It seemed like the epidural took an eternity to get in, but eventually they were laying me down again...I couldn't wait for the numbness to wash over me. I waited... and waited, but the numbness only went over the left half of my body. Could this really be happening? They flipped me back and forth a few times...nothing. The anesthesiologist tried to re-adjust the epidural catheter...still nothing. I was becoming more and more frustrated with every moment, because the pain seemed intensified on the right side of my body. In fact, I would get Charlie Horse's in my right thigh with every contraction. The anesthesiologist was horrified and never left my bedside until after I delivered.

Fortunately, I usually progress from 4 cm to 10 cm dilated within 45 minutes. I made it to complete and was told I could push...but pushing wasn't doing any good (This was my third baby...I knew how to get those li'l whipper snappers out by now). When Dr. Kirkhope came in (Dr. Briel wasn't answering his page) and checked the position of the baby, he discovered that Luke was facing up, instead of down. That's a problem! I was beside myself at this point I was in the worse pain of my life, my own doctor wasn't even there, and I couldn't seem to get this baby out....and now they are telling me it is because of the way he was laying. I started to become irrational and started begging them to do anything "cut my head off, give me a c-section...JUST GET THIS BABY OUT!" When suddenly the thought came to me, "Get the Kirby!" Dr. Kirkhope perplexed asked "What?" I informed him, "Dr. Briel helped me deliver my first baby with that vacuum thingie. Get the Kirby!". Dr. Kirkhope (amused) said, "Tell you what. I'll use the vacuum if you'll let me flip this baby over? I don't foresee you delivering him on your own otherwise." I readily agreed, desperately wanting things to be over with.

After the next contraction finished, Dr. Kirkhope promptly flipped Luke over in one try...causing me more pain in a single moment than I had ever known. Luke was now in the correct position. A couple more pushes and Luke was born. Even though, he was only 8 lbs, he had a larger than usual head. Big surprise :D Not a very fun experience at all :(

The first moment, I laid eyes on Luke...all was forgiven. It was absolutely love at first sight. He was so beautiful, and such an incredibly good baby. I was so nervous about having another baby after all of the struggles I had with Kyle. But it was as if Luke was my reward for all of my diligent efforts. He was so easy to take care of. He was sleeping through the night from the very start. He was so content...all he cared about was being held. As long as Jonathan or I were near, he was completely fine. We called him the "Great Observer" because he was so happy just to watch all the commotion in our home...he never felt the need to be a part of that commotion. I would have to mentally remind myself to remember Luke and his needs, because it was so easy to forget he was even there when he had two older brothers and even a younger brother who demanded so much of our attention.

In the back of my mind, I wondered if his passiveness might be indicating some underlying condition...but I simply enjoyed it while it lasted and for the blessing it was to our family. Having two other children with special needs...it didn't take long to recognize the delays in Luke. He has had his share of testing, therapy, and special interventions. I don't really feel like he has actually been accurately diagnosed yet, although I have felt for many years that he fits the criteria for Asbergers Autism. Even so, Luke is a delight to most people who come in contact with him. If you get the opportunity to work one on one with him...he will warm your heart with his sweet spirit and giving heart. The moment he gives you his smile...he has most people wrapped around his finger. I am told again and again what a delight he is.

As much as I enjoy who Luke is now, and love witnessing his growth each and every day...I miss that baby of mine. I miss holding him close and never wanting to let him go. I miss feeling his warmth and absolute need for me. It has been such a blessing to have Luke in our lives.
Happy Birthday Luke!
I am so grateful you are a part of my heart :D

Webelos Leader

Jonathan was called as Luke's Webelos leader when Luke became a Webelos in the Cub Scouts. This calling has been such a blessing for us. Jonathan has grown so much closer to each of the boys as he has actively participated in their Scouting experience. He has helped the kids build their Pinewood Derby cars, gone on High Adventure Camp Outs, supported their activities, and helped them in achieving their various requirements.
Not only did Jonathan help Luke earn his Webelos Badge, but he has also helped him complete the requirements to earn the Arrow of Light. The one and only thing Luke still needed to accomplish was to go on a camp out. So, Jonathan set up a make-shift camp out in our backyard and they had a "camp out" the night before Luke turned 11 years old.


They helped pitch their tent, built a fire, and made their own breakfast in the morning.

The one downfall? It was a pretty chilly night. But at least it wasn't pouring down rain :D
Nicholas and Azavia are the best of friends. Zay and her Aunt visited for a little bit at the beginning of the campfire.

What's a campfire without a little smores and popcorn?

Telling stories

Jonathan thought it would be fun to have some IBC root beer to wash everything down with

Back pain...freezing cold...doesn't keep Jonathan away from
making sure his boys fulfill their responsibilities :D

Silver Linings

As I was getting ready for church realizing that I would have to deal with our crew on my own today at church, after Jonathan awakened in the night vomiting...I began to wonder, "Why am I doing this? It would be so much easier to just crawl back in to bed and not even bother. The kids will be impossible~as always! I'll end up fighting everyone to wake up, fighting them to get to church and feebly attempt to get there on time, then I'll be fighting with them to behave while at church. I'll spend the whole time taking care of everyone else...will I even be able to feel the Spirit or be edified myself? Why do I even try so hard, when it feels like all I'm really doing is beating my head in to a brick wall? Why do I continually feel like my "best" is never going to be good enough? And Lord, why do I have to have such conflicting dilemmas facing me all of the time? Because of these conflicts, I end up feeling like a failure most all of the time."

I persevered and went to church anyways. Knowing today was Fast and Testimony meeting...if any Sunday would build me up, it would surely be this one. I swear the testimonies borne were just for me. Testimony after testimony that was shared, included our Heavenly Father's awareness of our every need and desire. He gives us exactly what we most need, not necessarily what we most want. I began to realize that our Heavenly Father watches out for me in some of the simplest ways. He doesn't necessarily make my journey smooth, but he makes sure I am provided with exactly what I need to make it through. If I get frustrated or overwhelmed, it is only because I allow my perspective to be skewed and try to start controlling the journey, rather than allowing Him to guide me.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who is so incredibly patient with me. He lovingly guides me and teaches me all the things I need to know. He provides me with so many simple joys, that often times mean the most to me. He has surrounded me with a family who absolutely love me with all their hearts. And best of all, he lovingly waits for me to "get it". He never loses faith in me...hoping that I'll keep from losing faith in myself. I am grateful for his patience with me and giving me exactly what I need, right when I need it.

The Docks

Jonathan in front of his Hot Rod

Maria and Jonathan at The Docks

Downtown Toledo

Sunset

It has been a gray, dreary, chilly Spring thus far...
On the contrary, today was absolutely beautiful in the 80's.
Jonathan suggested we go on a Date Night...the last thing we wanted to do is to be couped up.
Therefore, we decided to go to The Docks in the International Parks along the Maumee River.
We enjoyed a ride in the Hot Rod with the T-tops off, a walk along the river, and dinner at Sunset at The Navy Bistro. It was delightful :D

My heart took a picture

There are moments in life, where if you pay attention, you'll realize... they are the significant moments.

Often times, it is an ordinary moment. A quiet moment. But it is these moments, that I relish. When I realize everything I have and how grateful I am for the opportunity to be a mother to these 4 boys.

It is in these moments that my heart takes a picture :D

Dylan

Kyle Luke Nicholas I Wish for You
I wish you the courage to be warm
when the world would prefer that you be cool.
I wish you success sufficient to your needs
I wish you failure to temper that success.
I wish you joy in all your days;
I wish you sadness so that you may better measure joy,
I wish you gladness to over balance grief,
I wish you humor and a twinkle in the eye.
I wish you glory and the strength to bear its burdens.
I wish you sunshine on your path and storms to season your journey....
I wish you peace ~ in the world in which you lie
and in the smallest corner of the heart where truth is kept.
I wish you faith ~ to help define your living and your life.
More I cannot wish you ~ except perhaps love ~ to make all the rest worthwhile.
By Robert A. Ward

Nurse Mother

The last year, I have been having a lot more responsibility thrown at me at work. I have been asked to train in the charge nurse position, orient new employees to our floor, orient employees to "Core" (which is what we call nurses who can work Antepartum), and precept students (precepting is when a student works one on one with a nurse for a designated amount of hours to assist in learning nursing care/practice on a more independent level than they have had the opportunity to work).

After orienting a couple new employees in the fall, Shelley came to precept under me starting in January. She is in the UT/MUO Gemini program getting her Masters in Nursing. Because of this, she was required to precept with me for 300 hours. If you do the math...that equals out to 25 twelve hour shifts. Quite demanding for a student who also has tests, projects, presentations and classroom time to accomplish. My first thought when I found out about the 300 hours was "I certainly hope we get along."

My worries were appeased quickly. Shelley and I got along famously. She was a great student, willing to watch and listen and then incorporate the things she learned in her own practice. She was always willing to hear my counsel and improve upon her care, rather than letting pride hinder her from learning the lessons she could learn. She is as loyal as they come. If someone came up and was harassing her for having to work with me, she would defend me vehemently and make sure it was clear that she was grateful to have me for her preceptor.

Tonight was bittersweet, because it was the completion of Shelley's 300 hours. I really feel like I'm going to be lost without her. We have become quite the pair...and I really loved having her with me. I wish her all the luck and success in her Nursing career.

I know she will be a fabulous nurse!

In gratitude for helping her, Shelley wrote me a thank you card that said...

"Maria,

First of all, I want to say thank you for accepting the position as my preceptor because I know this was a big task to take on!

And thank you for coming in all of those nights thru back pain & migraines!

Thanks for being dedicated to ME.

You are officially deemed my "Nurse Mother!"

You helped motivate me, support me, were a great example & helped guide me.

You helped boost my performance, competency and confidence.

You made my clinical experience enjoyable and I wouldn't have wanted to be led by anyone else!

Although I know I acted like I just wanted to get it done

(that was more because I have so much other work to do),

I will for sure miss our fun-filled nights on 3 North!

With all the Beyonce renditions and funny things you always did,

we provided each other much comic relief,

but when it came down to the job,

You did it and did it well!

I will be a better nurse because of you!

I even know my abbreviations now, but please don't quiz me! (Joking)

The "hot mess" dynamic duo is done for now, but our legacy will always live on!

Love your Personal Assistant ~Shelley :)"

In gratitude for the time I gave to teaching Shelley she gave me this bracelet

and these roses

I have been molded and taught by several of my own "nurse mothers". I am grateful to each of them for being an example to me, and showing me the kind of nurse I not only could be...but wanted to be. Ironically, tonight as Shelley and I were wrapping up our time together...one of my "nurse mothers" was a family member to one of our patients. I was able to introduce Shelley to Ceci and show Ceci the kind of nurse she had helped to develop. I am grateful for the confidence that is placed in me to help others and for the opportunity to be able to share some of what I have learned on to another.

It was my pleasure Shelley, I will miss you greatly! Good luck to you in all of your endeavors :D