A week ago, Julie called me to let me know that they were starting the Morphine and Ativan aspect of comfort care for Uncle Bill. His pain had started getting much worse and the time had come to become more proactive in keeping him comfortable. We discussed appropriate ways to medicate him, different things to expect, and I offered whenever she felt she needed me for any reason that I would be there.
Monday afternoon, I received a phone call from Eric informing me that the Hospice Nurse had just been by the house and didn't think that Bill would make it through the day. I gathered myself together, and hurried over to their place. On the way over, I called work to see the possibility of getting the night off. Our census was very low, so I was able to arrange for a HCD.
When I got to the house, it wasn't hard to assess that both Eric and Julie were absolutely exhausted. Bill had been very agitated and irritable during the weekend, giving them "a run for their money" and very little rest. I took Eric to get food for everyone and encouraged him to go in and get some sleep while I could be there to help Julie. There were others there, but Julie has a lot of trust in me and my experience in taking care of Comfort Care patients. I helped her find the courage to medicate Bill more regularly, thus decreasing in his agitation and the demand on her. I showed them better ways for boosting him, which would decrease the toll on their bodies. When I was there, it seemed like Julie could finally breathe again.
It didn't take me long to ascertain that Bill wasn't as close to death as they thought he was. Even though he was mostly sleeping. He was still interacting to some degree and trying to get out of bed when he needed to use the bathroom. He was having periods of apnea, but after listening to him for a while it became apparent that the apnea was more associated with his sleep apnea, caused by the sedation of the meds. There were still a few phases that he needed to go through yet. The question was, how fast would he go through these phases?
Julie wouldn't nap for me, but she did take a shower. She also attempted to get some sleep at night while I sat up and cared for Uncle Bill. I was able to stay until 4 am, at which time I ended up with a horrible migraine. I went and laid in her bed, but it didn't get any better. I knew it wouldn't be long before I was sick myself, so I headed for home where I could take my meds, sleep in my bed, and put my warm pack on my head. I managed to get home around 7:30 am....just in time to start dry heaving.
I was able to sleep the migraine away, and I went to work Tuesday night. I stopped by Bill and Julie's on my way home from work and Bill's breathing had changed substantially. It was much more shallow and more like what I would expect from someone who was nearing the end. Julie jumped in the shower since I was there. While she was in the shower, Uncle Bill really started getting agitated. The others were speculating that he was trying to put his arms behind his head like he would often times do when he sat in his chair, but it looked more like he was tired of being in the same position. We waited for Julie to come back in and we turned Uncle Bill on his right side. The relief was apparent and he settled down immediately.
I went home and got some sleep. I had a couple of visiting teaching appointments to attend to...and then called to check on how things were going. I returned to Bill and Julie's ready with the promise that I would stay as long as they needed me. (Julie and Eric both seemed much more comfortable and reassured whenever I was there).
As soon as I walked in the door, I could tell that Uncle Bill would probably be passing away that night. The big question became whether it would be before or after midnight? Julie had speculated that Uncle Bill was trying to hold on until their 23rd wedding anniversary which would be after midnight, on the 14th. I no sooner said "It would probably be after midnight" that his breathing began to become very labored and I began to think it might be sooner than I thought.
These last few days, everyone had commented on my ability to "keep it together" and not to cry. I just kept myself detached, in "nurse mode", and felt like I could handle anything. Julie, Eric, Cassy (Eric's girlfriend),Tracy (my cousin), Autumn (Bill's daughter), Ashley (another cousin), and I decided we should watch a video that Eric made for his dad for Christmas called "Remember When". Watching this video was all it took. The dam broke and the tears flowed and flowed and flowed. The concept of living in a world without my Uncle Bill began to overwhelm me. This was when my Aunt Julie knew the time was soon...me allowing my tears to come let her know, it wouldn't be long. I told Autumn to have Steve (her husband) come.
Julie knelt by Uncle Bill and talked to him softly, gently caressessing him, encouraging him to slow his breathing down, even breathing with him to show him the way. Once he started breathing with her, it didn't take him long to slow his breathing down again. Right before Steve came in, the song "Maria" by Johnny Mathis came on the tv/radio. When the first few notes began to play I was overcome with emotion. The last few days we had joked and speculated "what song would be playing when Uncle Bill passed away?" For this song to play at that very moment, felt like Uncle Bill's way of sending his love and thanks to me one more time before he passed away. A few minutes later, we all surrounded the bed and he passed away very peacefully. His last breath was taken at 11:56 pm on the 13th, but we had to wait for the Hospice Nurse to come and pronounce his Time of Death...which was at 12:55 am on May 14th. We never did pay attention to what song played when he actually died...but I will never forget hearing "Maria" played.
The hospice nurse called the funeral home, and they arrived within an hour. Bill and Julie had decided to use Walker Funeral Home. They were extraordinary....they handled every detail with absolute class, respect, and consideration. They made us feel like family. It was the little things that made such a huge impact on us...from the gentle way they handled Uncle Bill's body, to placing a quilt over him, and not covering his face until we were ready for them to.
As they took Uncle Bill away, I was sitting on the couch holding hands with Julie, and the sobbing began. Aunt Julie sat there and comforted me, when I should've been comforting her. But I knew she understood. She was well aware of my love for Bill and the great loss I too was experiencing. I have always liked my Aunt Julie and I know she has always liked me, but I think our respect and admiration for the other increased exponentially through this whole experience. I watched her devote herself to allowing Bill to have the kind of end of life experience that he desired. He wanted dignity in his passing, and she exhaustingly stayed by his side and handled his every need and desire to insure that would happen. Her love and devotion to him showed me the kind of person that I would want to be if I were ever to have to take the same kind of journey in my own life, heaven forbid.
We called everyone we felt had to know right then. Then we all sat there and looked at one another and wondered "Now what?" We had spent so much of our time and energy taking care of Uncle Bill, we didn't know what to do now? Slowly, but surely everyone began to leave. I was worried everything would hit Julie in the "quiet moments", so I decided to stay the night with her. Eric and Cassy headed downstairs. Julie slept on the love seat and I slept on the couch. We slept for about 3 1/2 hours and then we got up. Julie and I talked for quite a bit and discussed whatever she was feeling or concerning her at the time. It is important to me that she have that person she can say whatever "crazy" or "mean" thing she feels the need to say. She has been through so much, and feels so incredibly lost right now. I want her to know that she'll never have to do this alone. We'll surround her and help her find her way through all of the loss, grief, and pain.
In the meantime, even though I know that Uncle Bill has passed on. He doesn't feel very far away. I believe he is added to my list of Guardian Angels. He is still very aware of me and will continue to look out for his "Baby Girl".
Monday afternoon, I received a phone call from Eric informing me that the Hospice Nurse had just been by the house and didn't think that Bill would make it through the day. I gathered myself together, and hurried over to their place. On the way over, I called work to see the possibility of getting the night off. Our census was very low, so I was able to arrange for a HCD.
When I got to the house, it wasn't hard to assess that both Eric and Julie were absolutely exhausted. Bill had been very agitated and irritable during the weekend, giving them "a run for their money" and very little rest. I took Eric to get food for everyone and encouraged him to go in and get some sleep while I could be there to help Julie. There were others there, but Julie has a lot of trust in me and my experience in taking care of Comfort Care patients. I helped her find the courage to medicate Bill more regularly, thus decreasing in his agitation and the demand on her. I showed them better ways for boosting him, which would decrease the toll on their bodies. When I was there, it seemed like Julie could finally breathe again.
It didn't take me long to ascertain that Bill wasn't as close to death as they thought he was. Even though he was mostly sleeping. He was still interacting to some degree and trying to get out of bed when he needed to use the bathroom. He was having periods of apnea, but after listening to him for a while it became apparent that the apnea was more associated with his sleep apnea, caused by the sedation of the meds. There were still a few phases that he needed to go through yet. The question was, how fast would he go through these phases?
Julie wouldn't nap for me, but she did take a shower. She also attempted to get some sleep at night while I sat up and cared for Uncle Bill. I was able to stay until 4 am, at which time I ended up with a horrible migraine. I went and laid in her bed, but it didn't get any better. I knew it wouldn't be long before I was sick myself, so I headed for home where I could take my meds, sleep in my bed, and put my warm pack on my head. I managed to get home around 7:30 am....just in time to start dry heaving.
I was able to sleep the migraine away, and I went to work Tuesday night. I stopped by Bill and Julie's on my way home from work and Bill's breathing had changed substantially. It was much more shallow and more like what I would expect from someone who was nearing the end. Julie jumped in the shower since I was there. While she was in the shower, Uncle Bill really started getting agitated. The others were speculating that he was trying to put his arms behind his head like he would often times do when he sat in his chair, but it looked more like he was tired of being in the same position. We waited for Julie to come back in and we turned Uncle Bill on his right side. The relief was apparent and he settled down immediately.
I went home and got some sleep. I had a couple of visiting teaching appointments to attend to...and then called to check on how things were going. I returned to Bill and Julie's ready with the promise that I would stay as long as they needed me. (Julie and Eric both seemed much more comfortable and reassured whenever I was there).
As soon as I walked in the door, I could tell that Uncle Bill would probably be passing away that night. The big question became whether it would be before or after midnight? Julie had speculated that Uncle Bill was trying to hold on until their 23rd wedding anniversary which would be after midnight, on the 14th. I no sooner said "It would probably be after midnight" that his breathing began to become very labored and I began to think it might be sooner than I thought.
These last few days, everyone had commented on my ability to "keep it together" and not to cry. I just kept myself detached, in "nurse mode", and felt like I could handle anything. Julie, Eric, Cassy (Eric's girlfriend),Tracy (my cousin), Autumn (Bill's daughter), Ashley (another cousin), and I decided we should watch a video that Eric made for his dad for Christmas called "Remember When". Watching this video was all it took. The dam broke and the tears flowed and flowed and flowed. The concept of living in a world without my Uncle Bill began to overwhelm me. This was when my Aunt Julie knew the time was soon...me allowing my tears to come let her know, it wouldn't be long. I told Autumn to have Steve (her husband) come.
Julie knelt by Uncle Bill and talked to him softly, gently caressessing him, encouraging him to slow his breathing down, even breathing with him to show him the way. Once he started breathing with her, it didn't take him long to slow his breathing down again. Right before Steve came in, the song "Maria" by Johnny Mathis came on the tv/radio. When the first few notes began to play I was overcome with emotion. The last few days we had joked and speculated "what song would be playing when Uncle Bill passed away?" For this song to play at that very moment, felt like Uncle Bill's way of sending his love and thanks to me one more time before he passed away. A few minutes later, we all surrounded the bed and he passed away very peacefully. His last breath was taken at 11:56 pm on the 13th, but we had to wait for the Hospice Nurse to come and pronounce his Time of Death...which was at 12:55 am on May 14th. We never did pay attention to what song played when he actually died...but I will never forget hearing "Maria" played.
The hospice nurse called the funeral home, and they arrived within an hour. Bill and Julie had decided to use Walker Funeral Home. They were extraordinary....they handled every detail with absolute class, respect, and consideration. They made us feel like family. It was the little things that made such a huge impact on us...from the gentle way they handled Uncle Bill's body, to placing a quilt over him, and not covering his face until we were ready for them to.
As they took Uncle Bill away, I was sitting on the couch holding hands with Julie, and the sobbing began. Aunt Julie sat there and comforted me, when I should've been comforting her. But I knew she understood. She was well aware of my love for Bill and the great loss I too was experiencing. I have always liked my Aunt Julie and I know she has always liked me, but I think our respect and admiration for the other increased exponentially through this whole experience. I watched her devote herself to allowing Bill to have the kind of end of life experience that he desired. He wanted dignity in his passing, and she exhaustingly stayed by his side and handled his every need and desire to insure that would happen. Her love and devotion to him showed me the kind of person that I would want to be if I were ever to have to take the same kind of journey in my own life, heaven forbid.
We called everyone we felt had to know right then. Then we all sat there and looked at one another and wondered "Now what?" We had spent so much of our time and energy taking care of Uncle Bill, we didn't know what to do now? Slowly, but surely everyone began to leave. I was worried everything would hit Julie in the "quiet moments", so I decided to stay the night with her. Eric and Cassy headed downstairs. Julie slept on the love seat and I slept on the couch. We slept for about 3 1/2 hours and then we got up. Julie and I talked for quite a bit and discussed whatever she was feeling or concerning her at the time. It is important to me that she have that person she can say whatever "crazy" or "mean" thing she feels the need to say. She has been through so much, and feels so incredibly lost right now. I want her to know that she'll never have to do this alone. We'll surround her and help her find her way through all of the loss, grief, and pain.
In the meantime, even though I know that Uncle Bill has passed on. He doesn't feel very far away. I believe he is added to my list of Guardian Angels. He is still very aware of me and will continue to look out for his "Baby Girl".
1 comments:
Lovely montage.
Hugs.
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