Sunday, April 26, 2009

Silver Linings

As I was getting ready for church realizing that I would have to deal with our crew on my own today at church, after Jonathan awakened in the night vomiting...I began to wonder, "Why am I doing this? It would be so much easier to just crawl back in to bed and not even bother. The kids will be impossible~as always! I'll end up fighting everyone to wake up, fighting them to get to church and feebly attempt to get there on time, then I'll be fighting with them to behave while at church. I'll spend the whole time taking care of everyone else...will I even be able to feel the Spirit or be edified myself? Why do I even try so hard, when it feels like all I'm really doing is beating my head in to a brick wall? Why do I continually feel like my "best" is never going to be good enough? And Lord, why do I have to have such conflicting dilemmas facing me all of the time? Because of these conflicts, I end up feeling like a failure most all of the time."

I persevered and went to church anyways. Knowing today was Fast and Testimony meeting...if any Sunday would build me up, it would surely be this one. I swear the testimonies borne were just for me. Testimony after testimony that was shared, included our Heavenly Father's awareness of our every need and desire. He gives us exactly what we most need, not necessarily what we most want. I began to realize that our Heavenly Father watches out for me in some of the simplest ways. He doesn't necessarily make my journey smooth, but he makes sure I am provided with exactly what I need to make it through. If I get frustrated or overwhelmed, it is only because I allow my perspective to be skewed and try to start controlling the journey, rather than allowing Him to guide me.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who is so incredibly patient with me. He lovingly guides me and teaches me all the things I need to know. He provides me with so many simple joys, that often times mean the most to me. He has surrounded me with a family who absolutely love me with all their hearts. And best of all, he lovingly waits for me to "get it". He never loses faith in me...hoping that I'll keep from losing faith in myself. I am grateful for his patience with me and giving me exactly what I need, right when I need it.


Nita said...

Ok, this blog was for me! I have been having a lot of the same feelings lately and actually didn't go to church today! I want you to know that you once again put things in perspective for me! What would I do without you Maria? Love you babe!

Jeannetta said...

Beautiful testimony of your own dear :)
Why did you have Testimony meeting today?