My thoughts on what true love is

At this Valentine's time of the year, when "love" is in the air...I had a friend inquire on "what real true love is?" She wasn't getting the answer she was looking for, so she asked a few different times about other's perceptions on "real true love". This left me laying awake in bed, pondering what I believed "real true love" to be? When I was a young girl, I dreamed of love. I loved watching any movie, reading any book, or hearing any story that spoke of love. I dreamed of the day and longed for the opportunity when I would be able to experience "real true love." I couldn't wait for my turn in love! But in order to experience "real true love", it is important to understand what "real true love" is. I have done a great deal of searching to find the answer. Through the years, I have found a conglomeration of thoughts and opinions on the matter, but my favorite theorist of late has been Thomas S. Monson. I have discovered many poignant thoughts on "love" from President Monson, and I hope to demonstrate through sharing some of his wisdom, what "real true love" can really be (at least from my own perspective).



"Remember who you are and what God expects you to become" ~Thomas S. Monson...We've all heard the adage that "someone else can't love us, unless we love ourselves first." I actually think this notion is mistaken. Others are quite capable of loving us even when we don't love ourselves, but what we ARE incapable of when we are in a state of self loathing is the opportunity to believe the possibility of, trust in, or even begin to grasp the concept of that love. How can we even attempt to experience "real true love" if we aren't first loving ourselves?



So who am I? That IS the first great question! Do I recognize the wonder of who I am? That I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me? That no matter what has transpired in my life or the pains I have endured... that just that simple knowledge might be enough to testify I deserve love and happiness? Do I treat myself with the same thoughtfulness, love and tenderness that I would expect from another? Do I attempt to show love to others and do I allow others to love me?



"May I share with you a formula, that in my judgment will help you and help me to journey well through mortality...First, fill your mind with truth; second, fill your life with service; and third, fill your heart with love." ~Thomas S. Monson.... Anyone who knows me, knows that my journey in the acquistion of "real true love" has definitely been replete with lots of experimenting and mistakes along the way. As much as I had dreamed of finding "real true love," often times it was my very actions that kept me from being able to experience this love. It wasn't until I was inspired by the concept of "The Love Dare" portrayed in the movie "Fireproof" that I really began to feel like I could truly put words to what I had already begun to believe about "love". The message portrayed in the book and movie consist of ...fix our thoughts, attitudes and actions about ourselves...improve our relationship with our Heavenly Father... and nourish our love with others each and every day. We can create the greatest change in our relationships by first changing ourselves.



"Everyone can be discontented if he ignores his blessings and looks only on his burdens." ~Thomas S. Monson...I had a very poignant experience with this concept in my marriage. Jonathan and I started our relationship with lots of love, but our relationship also possessed a great deal of dysfunction. We wanted to love one another, but often times fell short of demonstrating and cultivating that love toward one another. I found myself falling victim to the thought process of "if he loved me...he would..." or "if we were meant to be togther...we would..." This is a malignant thought process to engage in while in a marriage, because what we end up doing is allowing ourselves to focus on the negative in our relationship rather than seeing the great beauty that is there. Before we knew it the love, respect and trust that had once resided in our marriage had completely dissipated. I would lay in bed wondering "how I could have possibly gone so wrong in choosing the wrong person to spend my life with?"



"Choose your love, love your choice." ~Thomas S. Monson...We were on the verge of a bitter divorce. Many harmful things had been said and done between us. As we neared the finalization of our upcoming divorce, I laid in bed realizing how incredibly miserable I had become...without any hope of ever being lifted from that misery. As I lay there, wallowing in my sorrows, a thought occurred to me "How much of my/our troubles were based on my own perceptions? Am I the cause of this marriage failing?" Through further reflection, I discovered that my perception had a great deal to do with why our marriage was indeed failing. I didn't/couldn't believe that I was truly worthy of being loved completely by a man. I had always fallen short in my love relationships in the past, maybe that's how it would always be? (WRONG!) Second, had I given Jonathan a fair shot? Through expecting that someone couldn't truly love me, I tended to focus on the negative. Jonathan could do a hundred wonderful, loving, thoughtful things and I would immediately dismiss them...but let him have one insensitive word or thoughtless action and there it was in front of me... the proof of why he couldn't possibly truly love me and why we were "wrong" togther.



"When faith replaces doubt, when selfless service eliminates selfish stiving, the power of God brings to pass his purposes." ~Thomas S. Monson...I began to wonder what might happen if instead of focusing on what I considered to be Jonathan's faults, that rather I focus on his positive qualities? In a matter of days, our whole relationship began to transform. I was still "Maria" and he was still "Jonathan". We both still possessed the same virtues and defects. But when I allowed myself to see the good in our relationship, I allowed myself to trust in Jonathan's "real true love" for me and began to want to nourish and cultivate that "love."



"The good you have done, the kind words you have spoken, the love you have shown to others, can never be fully measured." ~Thomas S. Monson... Our relationships are what we make of them. Whether it is in a marriage, with a family member, or with a friend...we should think of the other, pray for the other, selflessly serve the other. Then there is never a question in their mind of our love for them. Love is more than just words...it IS actions! We will never believe someone's proclamations of love, if it isn't followed up with their actions...nor can others believe in our love for them, if we do not show it in our actions toward them.



"When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are. When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be." ~Thomas S. Monson...Jesus Christ was the perfect example of showing us "real true love." Love cannot reside when unkind words, bitter accusations, and thoughtless deeds are employed. We HAVE to be nice! We HAVE to be kind! We cultivate our relationship when we treat those we love with our best, rather than our worse. We nourish our "love" when we look for the positive, lovely, and of good report in others. I make sure that I remind Jonathan often, exactly why it is that he is the "perfect" one for me. Is he perfect? Absolutely not! Neither am I. But when I remind him of my gratitude and my deep abiding love for him, I reassure him that our love is "real" and "true".



"Find joy in the journey" ~ Thomas S. Monson..."Real, true love" is what we make of it. Love can be EVERYTHING we ever want it to be. What it means to me, may be entirely different from what it means to another. Our Heavenly Father has taught us many things about "real, true love" and how to find it. It starts with us...and ends with us. The only changes we will ever be able to make will ALWAYS begin with us.



My wish for all of you is to experience "real, true love" in your life. It isn't easy to attain, but very worth having.